William A. Mosier Professor of Early Childhood Wright State University

Dear Dr. William, My two year old throws temper tantrums when he doesn’t get his way. If he wants me to buy him something and I don’t get it, he will throw himself down on the floor and start kicking and screaming until I give in. How can I get him to stop his temper tantrums? Embarrassed

Dear Embarrassed, Temper tantrums are among the most troubling and irritating problems that parents face. Tantrums are a child’s way of expressing frustration. Unfortunately, tantrums can become very manipulating when a child learns such a display will get parents to give in to demands. To not reinforce temper tantrums, consider the following seven options:

1. Be a positive role model for self-control. Avoid letting your children see or hear you displaying adult “temper tantrums.” If you are going to throw a tantrum (explode), never do so when the children are around.

2. If the child is not hurting himself, anyone else, and not destroying property, -ignore the tantrum! This is, of course, the most difficult course of action. However, if your goal is to stop future temper tantrums from occurring, it is absolutely imperative to ignore a tantrum while it is in progress. 3. If a tantrum is too disruptive, designate a safe place for tantrums. Do not, however, discuss this with the child during a temper tantrum. If you foresee a tantrum coming physically move the child to a safer place. Simply say, “I can’t allow a tantrum here...(name the location); I will put you in... (identify the alternative location).

4. If the child is hurting someone else or destroying property, you should physically restrain the child and say, “I cannot allow you to hurt...(name the person or identify the property)... therefore, I will hold you until I feel safe that you understand you cannot hurt... (again name the person or the property)”.

5. If your child has temper tantrums in public, ignoring is still the best policy. Despite the looks you will get from other people, it is wisest to not give-in to the tantrum or bribe the child to stop. To minimize the risk of temper tantrums occurring, have clear rules about what behavior is expected in public places. For example, at the supermarket, allow your child to help pick out certain items and put them in the shopping cart.

6. Use humor to prevent temper tantrums. Recall things that usually get, at least, a smile out of your child. Try them to distract the child when you see your child beginning to get frustrated and before a tantrum starts.

7. Process the temper tantrum, after it is over. This must be done at a neutral time (when neither you nor the child are upset). Comment on the tantrum, saying that you understand that the child was upset. Give the child words that can be used to express the feelings that led up to the tantrum. Offer an alternative way to handle the situation for next time. You can even reenact the situation to help the child practice alternative behavior. Remember, without an audience, a temper tantrum will eventually stop. If you give a child attention during a tantrum, you will be increasing the odds that future tantrums will occur. Any verbal interaction with the child, during a tantrum, will be a positive reinforcement for more tantrums to occur in the future. The way you respond to temper tantrums during the “terrible twos” will determine the type and frequency of discipline problems you will encounter when your child is an adolescent. There is no such thing as a generation gap between parents and teenagers. It is a communication gap that started being forged during the temper tantrums of early childhood.

William Mosier, Ed.D., is a Professor of Early Childhood and Educational Psychology and the Early Childhood Graduate Program Advisor in the College of Education & Human Services at Wright State University. He is also a licensed Independent Marriage & Family Therapist and a Diplomate in Child Psychology of the American Board of Psychological Specialties. If you have a question about young children that you would like addressed on this website, write to Dr. Mosier at the Lynda A. Cohen Center for the Study of Child Development, 234 South Dutoit Street, Dayton, OH 45402.

I am surprised how many directors neglect to use the resources available to them. They may use some occasionally but with the limited funds, available resources are one way to stretch your budget and accomplish more of your goals. Resources for supplies and materials include the “gold“ of the child care business “paper”. Paper is so expensive and everything is increasing in cost. So, what you can do to reduce your paper cost. One of the things I did was to send out what I call “cold call letters”. I would type up a letter explaining that we were a childcare center etc. and ask for donations from printer and paper companies. They have these (large) end rolls of paper that they throw out but are willing to give to child care centers. What other things can you think of that companies might consider waste, throw out, and to you and your staff are “loose parts” or “open ended materials” to be used in play or creative art experiences?

A resource right under your nose is your parents. Yes, build those relationships with your parents and you will find a wealth of donations. We had a family that owned two Mc Donald’s and donated food, and toys and even supplied all the ice for one of our fund raisers each year. Another family owned an electronics store and donated the big prizes for the yearly raffle. Another parent donated computer paper. Some of my best employees were first parents of children in the center who donated their time. Then they became employees. We also had several parents who remodeled the staff lounge with a beautiful recliner, curtains etc.

Benefits for staff are another place that you can become creative in using resources in the community. Now you have to look for some of these and be proactive in locating benefits for your staff. A major part of the director’s job is to be out in the community as the ‘face’ of the center. We have a credit union for teachers in our community and I discovered that I could offer a membership for no cost to my employees. I also learned that SAM’s Club has a business membership and with that comes 5 or 6 additional memberships at a reduced cost which you can cover or offer to them. One year my parents took turns covering staff member’s hours in the classroom for a day. I only used one parent at a time and maintained state staff-to-child- ratios.

I have to tell you this story; I had a parent who was a chef at a local restaurant. He offered to cook for the center and to give my cook the day off. I was so excited because I love to try different cuisine and I thought is would be such fun. You guessed it, my cook would not let him come in and cover for her. I am not sure what that was about but we still benefited from his culinary delights. He cooked (huge) amounts of food for our next staff meeting and it was wonderful?

So, what resources can you think of that are right there in your center, neighborhood, parish, community? I just touched on what I utilized and I could go on and on… You can never have or use enough resources in our field as they all help and not only can you use them, you can share them with other centers. I had sticky notes and envelopes donated (cases) and I traded them with a colleague for her cardboard blocks. It was a win win situation she got other materials they could use and we did too.

- Beth Engelhardt, MA
www.ece-sos.com

Nurturing Yourself This article is especially for directors. It's time to take care of yourself and to plan some time just for you. The field of ECE is such a giving profession that it is important to take the time to fill your cup so that you can continue to give to yourself, your staff, family, friends, children and the parents at the center. How exactly do you do this when you are working so many hours and everyone makes demands on you? I’ll tell you. You have to make the time. You have to actually schedule time for yourself. I know, I know, I know all the excuses. I don’t have anytime available for me, I ‘m already getting up early and staying up late etc.

I’m here to tell you that life will go on and the center will run your family will survive even if you take time for yourself. Actually, everyone, including your self will do much better when you make time to take care of yourself. First of all, you are modeling to your staff a healthy, balanced life style. This results in a happier directors, staff and families and children. You will have so much more to contribute to all aspects of your life when you fill up your own cup. If you don’t take care of yourself who will? When you make the time to exercise, meditate, sit quietly, or whatever brings you peace you come back to your work and family renewed. You are actually more productive after having some down time. Now maybe you can’t find a whole hour or half hour right now so start with a few minutes and shut the door.

Stress is often something we bring on ourselves. We say yes when we mean no we do more and more without taking time for ourselves. This creates stress for us and the end result is that we aren’t happy or we get physical symptoms or psychological symptoms. Our health and survival is dependent on the ability to maintain a balance of the physical and mental processes. This state of equilibrium is called homeostasis. The body has a general adaptation system by which it tries to balance and restore itself (homeostasis). However, too much change in our lives can overtax our adaptive system causing illness or disease. If fact science now confirms that excessive stress causes premature aging. At minimum it reduces the productivity and effectiveness of you and your staff. The relationship between stress and illness is a complex one and will be addressed in next month’s article. Everyone has stress in their life but too much can create problems. A healthy goal should be to limit the harmful effects of stress while maintaining life's quality and vitality.

For the next month, monitor your stress and watch what is going on in the center. There is a good chance that if you are stressed the staff is stressed too. What are some stress busters you can do for yourself and for the staff? “Laughter is a great thing -- that's why we've all heard the saying, "Laughter is the best medicine." There is strong evidence that laughter can actually improve health and help fight disease.” So, lighten up and enjoy the work you are doing and as we are always saying in our field that children learn through play, so do adults. Take time to play and have fun.

Some ideas to take care of you are:

• Find a quiet area to just sit and relax and be by yourself or if you prefer with your higher power or your understanding. (I worked in a church setting and I would go to sit in the church which was usually empty in the middle of the day and just listen.)
• Take a walk for just a few minutes to get away from everything and refresh.
• Eat your lunch away from your desk. (I hear you, what lunch?) You need to take a break and eat to renew your energy level)
• Listen to your favorite music
• Receive a massage
• Enjoy a cup of herbal tea or gourmet coffee
• Practice the art of forgiveness
• Take a class such as Yoga, just for you.
• Reflect on what you value most in life….
• Phone a special friend
• Create your own list of nurturing things to do for yourself.
• Relax, we are always on the go and it is vital to our survival and sanity to relax.

When you take care of yourself you model to your staff, your own children a healthier lifestyle. Society maybe on the run but that doesn’t mean you have to keep up with them. You can make a difference.

Resources for Nurturing Yourself Ideas for Self-Nurturing:

Fill Up Your Well of Reserve! http://www.balancedweightmanagement.com/Ideas%20for%20Self-Nurturing.htm

Better Self Esteem http://www.utexas.edu/student/cmhc/booklets/selfesteem/selfest.html

The Woman’s Comfort Book: A self nurturing Guide for restoring balance in your life, 1992. Jennifer Louden. Harper Collins Publishers, New York, NY

How Laughter Works http://science.howstuffworks.com/laughter.htm

Lifesavers: Tips for Success and Sanity, for Early Childhood Managers. Baldwin. Sue. Insights Training and Consultants. Stillwater. MN.1996

What is the significance of the title: Parenting as a Verb? A common term for the parenting role that a mother & father share is the label: Parent. (This, you might notice, is using the word as a noun.) Without question the most important responsibility in life is that of parenting young children. In other words, it is not really the role of parent that is the determiner of our parenting duties. Rather, it is the actions of parenting that make our responsibility so vital in society. Assuming we acknowledge parenting as something we do (an action), not as something we are, it goes without saying that we must actively embrace our role of parenting young children as an action (verb) not as a noun.  Separate from my professional training as a child development specialist, my wife and I have six children. So, even at a very personal level, I have a humble respect for the ominous responsibilities that exude from striving to raise emotionally healthy, empathic, and socially competent children. It is with this in mind that I have chosen to title this series of articles: Parenting as a verb.

A frequent concern expressed by parents is, “How do I get my child to pay attention to me when I am talking to him?”  When you want to say something to your child, it is important to get your child’s attention before you start talking.  A child may be so tuned-in to his own activity (i.e. watching TV, playing video games or engaging in other play) that he does not tune-in to your voice.  When you are giving instructions to a young child it is crucial to get eye contact with the child before you begin your message.   For example, if you need to tell your child something important, like giving instructions, first gently touch your child on the shoulder to help channel the child’s attention toward you and away from distractions.

\Give your child some warning that you are about to give some instructions.  You might say ,” When the words start coming on the screen at the end of this show, I will come in here and tell you what I want you to do and I want you to be ready to do it.”  In another situation you might say: ”As soon as we finish supper, I am going to tell you two things to do and I want you to be ready to do them.”

It is very important to reinforce your child for following instructions. One way to do this is to find naturally - occurring “reinforcers” from your child’s daily routine and use these to set- up situations for practicing the following of instructions.  For example, the child may ask: ”May I go play with Johnny?”  You might respond: “Sure you can go, just as soon as you empty the trash can in your room into the trash can in the kitchen?”  Or you can respond to your child’s request for a treat by saying, “Sure you can have…!   While I’m getting it, please take your shoes to your room.  When you come back it will be all ready for you.”  Using this approach, you are being positive and also asking your child to be compliant.  Another way to encourage compliance is, at a neutral time, point it out the specific behavior you want to reinforce and how happy you are with the child’s responsiveness to your expectation of his behavior and provide specific reinforcement. For example: If your child has followed instructions appropriately, after the task is completed you might say, “When I see that you placed your shoes in the closet in your room, right where they belong, I feel so happy I want to smile and give you a high-five.”  Another example would be, “By putting your activity where it belongs after you are through using it now I have more time to sit down and play a game with you.”  If a child is only partially compliant, or complaining while complying, do not reinforce the negativity by complaining at the child.  If you do you will be encouraging complaining, only partial compliance, and incomplete work.

It can be helpful to have a child repeat the instructions you have given to ensure that he understood.  First: Give the instruction. Second: Ask, in a calm, quiet and friendly voice: “What is it that you remember I want you to do?”   When the child responds with the correct understanding you can say, “Now, I would like you to repeat it one time to yourself.”  By doing this you are teaching the child to repeat instructions mentally; thereby increasing the probability that your instructions will be followed as you gave them.

Another useful tool is having the child go through an imagination exercise in following instructions.   Athletes have known for many years that forming a vivid, visual image increases the probability of being able to carry out a particular act successfully.  Turn it into a game.  Give your child an instruction, then say, “Close your eyes and picture yourself doing the task.

Get in the habit of speaking slowly and gently to your child.  Rather than getting louder and more insistent if your expectation is not immediately responded to, get quieter but continue to be insistent. This might necessitate you physically guiding the child through the task for a few interventions. Eventually, the child will realize that you mean what you say and follow-through on his own. Involve the child in activities that are fun but have rules and structure, such as – helping you fold cloths, setting or clearing the table at meal time or putting groceries away in cupboards.  Your child will gradually learn that there are rules/procedures to follow in virtually every endeavor in life.

Review the rules for special situations, in advance.  For example, before going to a shopping mall, you might say: “I am going to go over all the rules.  Rule number one: Stay where I can see you.   Rule number two: No crawling under the clothes racks.  Rule number three:  No running into people.”  If the child breaks a rule, stop him immediately and review the rule again, (e.g., “Remember, the rule is…”).

The key to developmentally appropriate child guidance strategies working is in being persistently consistent.  If you are inconsistent with these techniques...they will not work!  However, if you are patient with yourself and your young child and not give up on applying these strategies correctly, they will help improve your child’s listening skills.

Dr. Mosier is a professor of early childhood education at Wright State University, a diplomate in child psychology of the American Board of Psychological Specialties, a licensed independent marriage and family therapist, and a licensed and ordained minister.  If you have a question that you would like addressed on the DAYC website, write to Dr. Mosier c/o DAYC at P.O. Box 31250 Dayton, OH 45437.